


Let it all out now

by smittenwithsugden



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: A bit of sadness, M/M, a bit of love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-25
Updated: 2017-02-25
Packaged: 2018-09-26 22:41:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9927200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smittenwithsugden/pseuds/smittenwithsugden
Summary: Chas gives Robert a disc with videos from the wedding.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by a post on Tumblr by the lovely Bess (thank-your-lucky-stars). Title is from the song "The Love That We Stole"

„Hello, love,” Chas said as she entered the back room and found Robert where she usually did these past few days: At the table in front of his laptop. “How are you?”

“Fine,” Robert answered, like always. Aaron had been gone for a week now. No, not a week, 6 days, 5 long nights without him. Robert had spent every waking hour working on his appeal, calling the barrister, other solicitors and researching what he could. Chas doubted he had stopped to take a breath.

“I… erm, have something for you,” she said and dropped the disc in her hand next to his laptop.

“What is it?” he asked, barely looking up.

“Videos,” she said, still hesitant. “From your wedding.”

That made Robert pause. He looked to the disc and then to Chas. “I don’t want it, not yet, not until….”

He didn’t finish, but he didn’t have to. Chas understood. But Chas also knew that sooner or later Robert had to face the fact that Aaron was not coming home anytime soon, even if the appeal worked.

“I understand, but why don’t you hold on to it until he’s back?” she asked.

“Whatever, okay,” Robert said and was already focused on his laptop again.

Later that day, when Robert moved from the kitchen table to upstairs, he would take the disc with him and shove it in the drawer from his nightstand. He would not look at it until he could watch it together with Aaron.

\--

A week later Robert was in the kitchen making himself some toast and a brew. Only when he was about to take the plate and the cup to the table he realized that, out of habit, he had made two cups full of tea.

He looked at the second cup, his eyes filling up with tears, and he clenched his jaw tight. He was not about to cry over a cup of tea. He clenched his fist, shook his head and then poured the second cup out.

He had been strong because he had to be. For Liv and for Aaron. He needed to be there for Liv, needed to work on this appeal and needed to pull himself together. Aaron depended on him to be strong, to hold them together, to keep an eye on Liv. That was why he had not allowed himself to slow down. If he wasn’t working or hanging out with Liv or working on the appeal he was doing up the Mill. He had plenty to keep himself busy, anything really to not stop and think for a second.

This night though he was up in their room and couldn’t sleep because he remembered the second cup of tea, remembered Bob asking about Aaron earlier today, remembered how Ronnie had asked him something about how he wanted the floorboards to look and how Zak had offered to buy him dinner. Today had just been a day where he missed Aaron even more than usual.

He felt the tears again and bit them back. He needed something to help him sleep and he thought he had something in his drawer. He pulled it open and saw the disc. He hesitated for a second but then he pulled it out and opened his laptop back up.

He put the disc in and clicked on the first video.

 

 _"Technically it’s just standing,” Aaron said._

 

Robert swallowed hard. Aaron’s voice echoed through him and filled a hole he had tried so hard to not feel.

They kissed and Robert remembered how it felt, still a bit tipsy from the welly, but he had felt so proud and happy. This time he heard the awws he hadn’t heard back then. Back then all he had focused on was Aaron.

 

_"Aww, that’s my baby,” Chas said. Then it was a few seconds of them just dancing until he heard Faith’s voice. “Landed on his feet, our Aaron. Wouldn't kick blondie out of bed for leaving crumbs.”_

 

Robert made a face at that comment. If Aaron would have been here with him he would have probably made a joke about it. Said something about keeping it in the family, but now he just looked at Aaron’s face until the screen turned to black.

He watched the video again, on mute this time, and just looked at Aaron. His smile, his swaying, the way his eyes flickered to his lips before he leaned in. All these little things he loved so much and now they were right there in front of him. And maybe, he thought, maybe it was a good thing Chas had given this disc to him already.

He clicked the next video but it was just Chas and Charity laughing drunkenly into the camera and saying something about Dingles and Sugdens and Suggles and Dingdens. Robert shook his head and played the next video instead.

Apparently, Chas had given Aaron the camera because he could hear his voice from the off.

 

_“Adam, in here,” Aaron said and Adam turned around._

_“Hey Robert, Aaron had this funny idea of recording messages for you. Don’t know why though. So here it goes: If you break his heart I kill you.”_

_Aaron scoffed. “I said something nice, Adam. Don’t listen to him, Rob.”_

 

Robert had to pause, he hadn’t known Aaron had done this. And now he could guess why. He wiped his eyes and pressed play again.

 

_Aaron walked over to Cain now, who was standing with Debbie by the bar._

_“You’re up,” Aaron said and Cain scowled at the camera._

_"_   _Sugden, you’re one of us now, don’t mess it up,” Cain said._

_"I guess, that’s the best you can hope for,” Aaron laughed behind the camera._

_"Robert,” Debbie said. “Who’d have thought I would ever attend your wedding, eh? I hope you don’t go back to your old ways because my door is closed.”_

_Aaron made a gagging noise from the off. “Like all of us needed that reminder, Debs.”_

_“Sorry,” she said. “Congratulations, Robert, looks like you made it!”_

Robert paused the video again and looked at Debbie. He had gasped when he had heard her reference because it felt like that was from another life, another him. Now the thought of it was so foreign to him, like he couldn’t even imagine ever behaving that way again.

He pressed play again but all he heard was Adam calling Aaron to have another drink and the screen went black. He clicked the next video without hesitation, hoping to see Aaron again.

 

_Charity rang the bell loudly and the music cut off. “Speeches!” she said._

_“Well,” Aaron said, “I’ve been told I should better go first, because my husband has prepared an eight-hour monologue or something. So, yeah, you all know I’m not good with words. And a lot of you know I never thought a day like this would come for me. But here we are. I found somebody stupid enough to put up with me.”_

_“Oi!” Robert protested and the camera swung to him before it went back to Aaron._

_“Anyway,” Aaron continued, “here we are and I just wanna thank a few people. My sister Liv, thank you for today and for helping and for giving him a chance.”_

Robert swallowed hard. The camera didn’t show it, but he remembered how he had looked at Liv and she had looked at him and they just smiled.

 

 _“_ _My mum,” Aaron continued. “I’m not gonna say too much because she is gonna start crying again and nobody wants that. So just thanks for sticking by me. And Paddy, thanks for being here and well everything I already said to you. Don’t kill him while I’m away please.”_

_The crowd laughed at that but Robert didn’t._

_“And Robert,” he said and turned to him. The pub turned very quiet and he said with a grin: “You’re up.”_

Robert paused the video. He didn’t know if he wanted to hear his own speech again. He just looked at Aaron’s face on the paused screen. He had been nervous, he knew that, didn’t know what he was gonna say so he just winged it. You could see it in his face that he was relieved it was over. Robert studied every inch, the lips curled in a small smirk, the eyebrows raised because he didn’t know what was coming.

Robert took a deep breath and then he hit play again.

 

_"It’s my turn then,” he said and cleared his voice. “It feels like to me that all my life I was playing a game, keeping up appearances, being somebody I thought everybody else wanted me to be, being somebody I thought I /should/ be. Straight, rich, successful. Now I’m standing here, in a room full of people, half of them wanted me dead at one point or other in their lives and I can’t say I blame them, to be honest.”_

_He was interrupted by Cain’s “Hear, hear,” and nodded._

_“Yeah, you got pretty close,” he said and Cain just laughed._

_“Anyway,” he continued. “I would have never, in a million years, considered being honest to anyone of you because I wasn’t honest to myself.” He looked at Vic at this part and she smiled at him. “I had people in my corner, Vic, of course, who I am sure everyone agrees is a sister I don’t deserve. Diane, who, in her own way, always protected the Sugdens. But I still felt like I don’t belong, like something was missing. Until this one came along. A dirty little grease monkey who just came and turned my world upside down. It’s a cliché, I know, but it’s true. To go through all of what we’ve been through together would take too long and, to be honest, would be too painful. But I met him and everything, very very slowly, started to make sense. It took me a long time, I know, but due to some miracle that I will never question he took me back, time and time again and he allows me to be the person I am, with all the messy bits. And I know this has already gotten too personal, but I don’t care, because Aaron had once asked me, a long time ago, to go in the pub and say it proud and I couldn’t back then, but I can now: You are my everything, Aaron, and your pain is my pain, and your happiness is my happiness, and your weird chaotic family is my weird chaotic family now and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of it.”_

_The camera had gone to Aaron in the middle of his speech and he had wiped his eyes time and time again._

_"Before I end this I wanna thank Chas and Liv real quick. If it weren’t for you two giving me another chance, too, I am very sure I wouldn’t be here today. So thank you.”_

_"Stop it, soft lad,” Aaron said with a wavery voice and the camera went wider when Robert hugged Aaron. The camera didn’t pick up the sound but Robert knew that he had whispered: “Told you I make you cry,” and Aaron had scoffed back “Cheers for that” before they kissed._

_The crowd cheered and the screen went to black._

Robert sighed and he wiped his eyes again. What he wouldn’t give to go back to that night, to just relive it all again. There was only one video left and he wondered what it would be, because he knew nobody had recorded Chas’s drunken speech about how her lovely boy was all grown up. And that had been pretty much the end of anything recording-worthy.

He clicked the video and his breath hitched when he saw Aaron, sitting on the staircases, recording himself.

 

_“Hey Robert,” he said, a small smile tugging at his lips. “I told Mum to make you this disc. I hope you actually watch this and it won’t be too painful to watch. I wish I would have been better. I wish I would have trusted you. But all those what ifs don’t change anything. And it is like I told you already, as soon as I’m out I’m gonna be the best husband. We’ll go on a honeymoon somewhere warm. You’ll probably pick a very fancy hotel. Anyway, what I wanted to say, it’s okay to not be strong for a bit, you know? I know I have been relying on you to be strong and you have been. And I needed it, so much. And you always know what I need and I love you for it. But it was still wrong to expect that all the time. Add that to the list of things I want to do better. You can be weak, you can be sad and mad and angry. You can wind Liv up and let her wind you up. Because nobody can be strong all the time. Even you. Let people help you. I… I love you and I can’t wait to get back to you.”_

The screen cut to black without any doing by Robert because he was staring at the screen. He felt the tears streaming down now and a sob escape his throat. He pressed his hand against his eyes and cried, all the tears he had held back, all the pain he had felt and was feeling now poured out of him.

After a while when there were no more tears and his breathing had somehow gone back to normal he watched it again. And again. And again. After the fifth time, he shut his laptop close, picked it up and left the room.

He knocked on Liv’s door. It took a moment before the door opened and Liv looked at him. It was obvious she hadn’t been asleep yet.

“Wanna watch some wedding videos with me?” he asked.

Liv looked at him, studied him for a moment, and then opened her door wider.


End file.
